I've gained four pounds this week. What's the big deal, right? Four pounds is nothing really in the scheme of things. The big deal is, I realized that I'm eating instead of writing. An excuse not to start right this minute but wait just a little longer. I tell myself, "I'll just get a little snack first."
I had to ask myself, why is this happening? A) Because I don't want to waddle anymore than I already do and B) because I really do want to write.
"Why do you do it?" I asked myself. My answer wasn't easy to find. Honestly, I'm afraid. Afraid it will be horrible, afraid it will be good and I will not be able to re-create it. Afraid I'm not "enough".
I suppose when you dream something day in and day out you start to fall in love with the dream. You can't bear that the dream be shattered by failure. At least, I can't. But I realized something else standing there on my scale. I realized that my dream can't come true without failure. Failure is my friend. It means I'm trying to reach my goal, not just waiting for someone else to wave their magic wand. Not saying I would kick my fairy godmother for a little wand waving but in the end it's me who has to fail.
Did you know NASA only had a 39% success rate before humans reached the moon? Maybe we writers should take a page from their book.
Hi Anne,
ReplyDeleteI have the exact same problem. I'm terrified of a rejection. Of putting my writing out there and having it fall flat on it's ass. And because I write rebel characters (in the sense that they don't fit the normal Romance cookie cutter) I've gotten some really ugly things thrown my way. *sigh* I'm afraid I'll never find my niche in the market. I house those fears and don't write and get fucking angry at everything. You eat. I rage! But then something occurred to me (some days I have to remind myself) that I don't give a flying shit. I'm going to write because it's what I do. It's as natural to me as the color of my hair. And you know what the last time I was scarred to leave the house cause of my hair (bad idea haircut) I sucked it up and went out, and you know what. No one said a thing to me. And I saw someone (at walmart) who looked crazier than I did. lol. And you know what she probably didn't give a flying shit her shirt was covered is gross grease stains either. And you know what I didn't either. Put your armor on girl! You can do this. I'll keep bugging you until you do.
-Jc
JC,
ReplyDeleteIt's wonderful to know there are others out there with the same problem, isn't it? It's strange that I didn't even realize what was happening until I looked a little deeper. It's easy to fool yourself. Don't worry, I'm not giving up. I've just uncovered something I wanted to share :)
Anne